I light cigarettes when I miss you
I let the nicotine burn between my fingers and I take a puff
I cough & my lungs resist, but I breathe the pain with welcome
I can smell your skin & your clothes & your hair.
You never whispered I love you,
or touched my skin just to know it was mine
& sometimes I wondered if you truly knew what love was,
I guess that doesn’t matter now.
of your eyes and the way they light up envy green.
I dream of that old hat you wore
& the veins in your hands
& the freckles on your face.
I don’t think I was wrong in leaving.
I chewed the insides of my lips raw
trying to apologize for things
I never should have had to apologize for.
The dimples in your shoulders
were my favorite, inexplicably so.
& If I close my eyes, we are still lying there in bed
fresh air billowing through the window,
the smell of smoke & sex trailing out.
Your steady breath was the only thing that
kept me together sometimes,
but that doesn’t matter now either, does it?
you are there
& I am here
and maybe it’s just better off that way.