I light cigarettes when I miss you

I let the nicotine burn between my fingers and I take a puff

I cough & my lungs resist, but I breathe the pain with welcome

I can smell your skin & your clothes & your hair.

You never whispered I love you,

or touched my skin just to know it was mine

& sometimes I wondered if you truly knew what love was,


I guess that doesn’t matter now.

I’m dreaming

of your eyes and the way they light up envy green.

I dream of that old hat you wore

& the veins in your hands

& the freckles on your face.

I don’t think I was wrong in leaving.

I chewed the insides of my lips raw

trying to apologize for things

I never should have had to apologize for.

The dimples in your shoulders

were my favorite, inexplicably so.

& If I close my eyes, we are still lying there in bed

fresh air billowing through the window,

the smell of smoke & sex trailing out.

Your steady breath was the only thing that

kept me together sometimes,

but that doesn’t matter now either, does it?

you are there

& I am here

and maybe it’s just better off that way.


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