Month: February 2015

Don’t mind me, i’m just talking.~

I feel like I cannot comprehend my own emotions.

Like I’m stuck in this little world where I have feelings but they’re not real, or more accurately, maybe they’re real but there is some mental block on allowing myself to feel them in completion. And yet I feel him so strongly. I feel him in my veins and the words I speak and the people I touch- I close my eyes and there is no doubt, for I feel him near me always. But when I get that close to touch his hands and place my lips on his very skin, I collapse. I fall away. And I’m beginning to believe myself when I think ‘maybe it’s not about only wanting what you can’t have. Maybe it’s about refusing to let yourself be happy with who you’ve wanted for your entire existence.’

I have loved him since I knew who I was. I know his name like my own. I can tell you of every scar he has on his body and where he got it. Why am I pulling away from him? Someone I can feel in my entire being that I love with such conviction. How does my body deny this feeling when it is most important- why am I refusing a love, a feeling, a passion, a life that has never been anything but the objective of my dreams and hopes and wants. I want to feel like I feel. I want to be able to look at him and know where I stand. Even if I am wrong- i just want know.


NYC, January 2015

Why is that not mine, a possession I can protect
His legs fit fine in grey jeans
And with heavy lungs he sleeps
On my sheets in my bed
Why not now?
A name I can feel in my veins always.

I am a big believer in the ‘if you love me, let me go’ theory
If you’re so bent on showing up other people
And feeling the need to keep someone on a leash
Baby, you’ve already lost.

Someone is only yours until they don’t want to be.

Five Story Fire

The first time we made love
And that’s exactly what it was- making love
I felt like I was flying.

You were and always will be, my real first love

The person who was right for me the minute I laid eyes on him
And probably even before that

I told you that. I told you that.

And today I kissed you after weeks and months and years
It felt like falling off a swing.
I didn’t mean for the chains to come away
but they did.

I felt nothing but the softness of our lips
And my mechanical hands holding our bodies close
Grasping your back to feel closer somehow
Like the distance between our bodies would somehow close
the tangible void
were our tangled hearts used to meet.

You don’t wear the same cologne you used to
Or look like the man I fell in love with.

But I couldn’t forget those blue eyes if i tried
even if i know there is just mechanics at work

I’ll never know if we will ever be just friends
but i’m sure as hell going to try.

I don’t think i could ever lose you
and it’s just as simple as that
I’ll do anything to keep you

Even it that means accepting the love I once had
just isn’t there anymore

I don’t want to be selfish anymore.

Putting On A Show

My mother gave me a pair of her shoes

It was raining and cold outside on an April morning

And I had worn flip flops

“You never did check the weather..” she said, rummaging through her closet

She is not allowed to comment on my behaviors

Tittering to herself like she knew me at all anymore.

She doted on me that night like I was her only child

Which was ironic only in the cruelest sense.

They were leather bottomed and fine

A nice rugged pair of flats

There were two tears in the front of each shoe, the sole peeling back from the shell

‘they’re good shoes, leather too. Just glue them back and they’ll be just fine to wear on a day out”

I never planned on fixing them, but any shoes that would keep me from falling was just fine.

I wore them home

Splashed in the puddles of a torrential downpour like I was 7

And mucked them up quite well.

I took my train home, and slept silently with cold wet little feet

I dreamt of a mom who loved me all my life like she did tonight

A mom who would have taken my cold feet without a word

Rub them until they were warm

and put little fuzzy patterned socks over them.

Give It Up Already

The first time i tried smoking out of a bowl

you coached me to keep pulling so all the smoke would come out

after much longer than it seemed

you realized your thumb was still covering the air hole

‘oh shit!’ you laughed, ripping your thumb away

the smoke came rushing into my lungs all at once

and I coughed myself into a headache.

I slept in your Metallica shirt

and danced with you to Lil’ Wayne

we drank green apple Bacardi

and made pumpkin shaped sugar cookies

Sometimes I wish i could call you.