I feel like I cannot comprehend my own emotions.
Like I’m stuck in this little world where I have feelings but they’re not real, or more accurately, maybe they’re real but there is some mental block on allowing myself to feel them in completion. And yet I feel him so strongly. I feel him in my veins and the words I speak and the people I touch- I close my eyes and there is no doubt, for I feel him near me always. But when I get that close to touch his hands and place my lips on his very skin, I collapse. I fall away. And I’m beginning to believe myself when I think ‘maybe it’s not about only wanting what you can’t have. Maybe it’s about refusing to let yourself be happy with who you’ve wanted for your entire existence.’
I have loved him since I knew who I was. I know his name like my own. I can tell you of every scar he has on his body and where he got it. Why am I pulling away from him? Someone I can feel in my entire being that I love with such conviction. How does my body deny this feeling when it is most important- why am I refusing a love, a feeling, a passion, a life that has never been anything but the objective of my dreams and hopes and wants. I want to feel like I feel. I want to be able to look at him and know where I stand. Even if I am wrong- i just want know.